she was out of practice with the uncertain heart; do you think I worry too much? she asked, and we both thought, of course; this is the constant battle. but years and minutes and moments bring a hint of peace, a knowing that here, in the midst of the this back and forth and wondering, there is also confidence and [sometimes] an ability to breathe, because He has brought us here and far and closer.
she thinks her days of a too-much hope and heart are over, though even this, we think, is too much; too much means she or I or they or whoever might face disappointment and [heaven forbid] hurt. a heart risk is always this way; an ever back and forth of wanting to do enough but not too much, of knowing in this way lies a dangerous path but knowing the dangerous path might be worth it, and no one will know unless it’s followed.
but how far?
we go round and round. there is no good answer. she is afraid, I am afraid, we are afraid, the world is afraid, and the knowing lies in a place beyond everything. but today, this year, this life, the fear is different, because it’s a fear filled with the possibility of trust, the awareness that He will hold us up in uncertain hearts and uncertain days, and worry will fade into [quiet] peace.
a choice to believe.
