Second Thoughts

a glorious morning. Amy walked in wearing a ring, and we all laughed and hugged and talked and listened. I am in love with beautiful love stories. I think I am doomed to forever be a hopeless romantic.

a new record: drank a soda at 8 this morning. worth it. I am feeling startlingly awake despite a weekend of not my usual amount of sleep. that? also worth it.

Grace moved in this weekend. her family is here, cleaning the windows and the garage and being endlessly helpful and wonderful. I didn’t realized how much I missed living with people. and being with Grace. her wisdom and honesty and love is something I don’t ever want to take for granted.

God has given me a bit of the change I sensed was coming, and it’s not entirely what I was expecting. I have grown accustomed to holding on to Him in the moments that are lonely or difficult or hurtful, but now I realize He is asking me to cling to Him in the moments that are beautiful and full of unexpected joy. to follow and love Him above all else, still, always. and to trust that, no matter what a new path holds, that He will use it to teach me to love Him more, to bring me closer to Himself. and so I find myself praying for the strength to handle goodness.

movie with Sara tonight, lunch with Mom and Rach tomorrow, and another week full of great things.

in a dangerous mood. feeling alternately feisty and frustrated and annoyed and disappointed. making up my mind to change. enough of this.

she was out of practice with the uncertain heart; do you think I worry too much? she asked, and we both thought, of course; this is the constant battle. but years and minutes and moments bring a hint of peace, a knowing that here, in the midst of the this back and forth and wondering, there is also confidence and [sometimes] an ability to breathe, because He has brought us here and far and closer.

she thinks her days of a too-much hope and heart are over, though even this, we think, is too much; too much means she or I or they or whoever might face disappointment and [heaven forbid] hurt. a heart risk is always this way; an ever back and forth of wanting to do enough but not too much, of knowing in this way lies a dangerous path but knowing the dangerous path might be worth it, and no one will know unless it’s followed.

but how far?

we go round and round. there is no good answer. she is afraid, I am afraid, we are afraid, the world is afraid, and the knowing lies in a place beyond everything. but today, this year, this life, the fear is different, because it’s a fear filled with the possibility of trust, the awareness that He will hold us up in uncertain hearts and uncertain days, and worry will fade into [quiet] peace.

a choice to believe.

Yesterday, the microwave broke. And by broke, I mean the power and fan were working just fine, so I absentmindedly nuked my burrito for a total of five minutes before realizing it was remaining determinedly frozen. The natural Caitlyn solution? Immediately run to Walmart for a new microwave, and pick up an ice cream sandwich to make up for the hassle. This is how my twisted mind works.

Find myself lulled into a sense of security that I’m trusting God with stuff, when I’m just pulling my usual “trusting God with what I feel like trusting Him with,” and then getting completely caught off-guard by something small and relatively insignificant. Found myself in a down mood last night for the first time in a while, simply because I can’t control what other people do or what they think of me. Go figure.

Blissful moment of the week: got to tangentially take part in a friend’s engagement, and by tangentially I mean, I saw them beforehand, and her boyfriend hinted it to me while she was off getting ready for bed. Also, called this moment approximately three years ago, the first time we saw him. Not that any of my other predictions for people have come true, but I’ll savor the one that has.

I like working from home. Not all the time, but this next week will be a nice mental break, just focusing on copyediting, mostly. And ebooks, which I loathe, but what can you do? Taking one of my half-days today, which means I can meet Rach for lunch and finally get my oil changed (oops) and maybe even take a nap.

Have suddenly found myself in the middle of season 3 of 30 Rock. Somehow managed to watch the first two seasons in maybe a month, over lunch breaks and after dinner. Find that it’s getting a bit cloying. Time for a new lunch-time TV show, I think.

I feel like I can’t think what to write anymore. I’ve been avoiding my story for fear of completely screwing it up. I’m guessing it’ll linger at 50 pages for quite some time.

The end.

23, such an unassuming, unimportant age, is turning into the best year in recent memory, which says something either about my circumstances or about my perspective in past years. Maybe it’s a bit of both. My money’s more on perspective, though the circumstances lately are hard to beat. But I have a sneaking suspicion that my somewhat dismal outlook a few years ago would have failed to appreciate life as it is at the moment.

I’ve been dwelling on beautiful things today.

Melissa and I had tea with endless sugar last night, and lemon cake, and spaghetti before that. Our friendship is, what, not even a month old, or maybe two?—and already something I cherish. I enjoy her frank perspective on life, her laughter, her determination to passionately follow Christ. I love new friendships in the making. Like Stephanie; lunch once two weeks ago, where both of us lost track of time talking, and I’m so looking forward to lunch next week. And more new friends—Kelsie and Rob and Todd and Liz and Chelsie and Sarah.

Here-friends. Laura, Sara, Sarah. Hard to believe I’ve known them for going on two years. And, by extension, the other Bible study girls, especially Katie, who always makes my day. And Evan! My challenging-figuring-out-life-conversations friend is moving away to go to seminary. Write that book, buddy. I’ll edit it for you, as promised. And not here, but always cherished—my favorite older brother, Eddie.

My sister being home; we’ve gotten closer this last year or so, just in time for me to lose her to Dan and moving who-knows-where, but I’m grateful for these months. And my brother: always hilarious, my inside-joke buddy. My parents; the comfortable friendship, even in the growing pains of figuring out how to be an adult around them, their advice and perspective and love. And, of course, Dan, the newest (almost) member of the family. It’s fun having another brother.

And Grace-is-coming-Grace-is-coming-Grace-is-coming. Probably. One of my dearest friends of all time, living with me? Yes, please. And, as always, Beefy and Amy, too. Beefy’s coming to visit in October. Amy might tag along. The four of us will be together again, as it should be. Life just makes sense that way.

I know I’ve talked about my church before, but I cannot stop being amazed and thrilled at discovering somewhere that feels like home now; I love the people at my old church, always and forever, but it was time to move beyond life from before and move into life as it is now. And here I am. The possibilities are endless.

My job. To celebrate the millionth copy of Crazy Love sold, we’re planning a day where the whole company is going to go serve somewhere in the community, to celebrate and thank God for His blessing, and to live out the messages we’ve been putting out there. It gives me chills, to be at a place like this.

And to be loved by a God of great endless love and faithfulness.

It’s a good life.

I will keep my eyes on You. I will love you with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength. I will choose to trust You and believe that Your plans are beyond my understanding. I will believe You when You tell me that Your desire is for me to draw closer to You, to become more like You, and that every circumstance, good or bad, is designed for that purpose; and so I will live with that perspective. I will obey when You tell me to be patient. I will listen to Your voice. I will seek after You daily. You are my beloved, and I trust that I will see Your goodness in the land of the living, even if it is not what I think goodness should be.

I will be still and know You are God.

I have said, many times in the past, no more; no more will I get my hopes up. But I’m beginning to realize that it is the nature of my heart to be hopeful, and even though hope deferred is disappointing, I think I would rather be ever-hopeful than not. I like living with a sense of expectation, with the attitude that anything could happen at any time. And then, the times when hope becomes reality—I think back to being given a full-time position at work; to friendships desired and suddenly found; to daring to dream that, someday, I would once again find a church that felt like home—I relish the joy of this, this thing I hoped for, I waited for and longed for, and He has given me this gift.

So yes. I will choose to live with hopeful expectation.

I just have to say, I am ridiculously grateful for my college and career group at Rocky Mountain. The leaders are so intentional about creating an authentic community—through challenging teaching, through reverent worship, through bathing everything in prayer. I keep meeting amazing people, discovering the possibility of the kind of girl friendships I thought I wouldn’t find outside of Cedarville (and Sara, Sarah, and Laura here, natch). God is so good—after I spent so much time after college feeling lonely and pushing Him away, He’s showing me that as I really reach for Him, as I learn to love Him, He truly will provide all that I need, including encouragement and transparent friendships to keep me honest. I finally feel like I’m settling here, that I’m not just floundering, that I’ve finally landed somewhere. And it feels…peaceful, I guess. Which means that life’s probably about to change again, since that’s usually how it goes. But if He’s taught me anything lately, it’s that life is most vibrant, that I feel more alive, that I cling to Him the most when the comfortable and the sameness turn into change and unexpected and uncertainty, beautiful or terrifying or simply confusing. It’s coming. And I’m ready. I think.

one of those days where my mind feels like it’s working too slowly. You know, the feeling that you know what you’re trying to say, but what comes out is less than eloquent, and in fact doesn’t make a whole lot of sense at all? That kind of fuzzy mind. Proof I need more sleep, maybe, or maybe should just try focusing more. I’ve been daydreaming too much lately. Too many stories jumping around in my head. At least when I was younger, I didn’t have a whole lot else to think about, so I could follow a whole story to its conclusion, and even write most of it down. Granted, the stories weren’t great, which would be why I threw most of them out years ago, but at least I could get them down on paper. Now, a crucial point in the plot can linger for days while I rush back and forth with life, until suddenly I can’t remember why the point was so crucial.

Maybe it’s not a bad thing. Maybe I’m just trying to hold on to daydreams and storytelling a bit too much.

Eh, who knows what I’m saying. Like I said, I haven’t been making much sense today.

It’s been a good week. I’m tired, but unexpected new friendships are worth it.

I think the world will look less fuzzy in the morning. I need to see clearly right now.